Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly personal and life-changing experiences, and having the right support during this time can make all the difference. A birth partner is someone who plays a key role in providing emotional, physical, and practical support during pregnancy, labour, and even postpartum. But what makes a birth partner so vital? And how can they best offer support, especially during the often overwhelming preparation for a first baby?
Here are my top tips… (for you both to read and enjoy together)
- Complete my Mindfulmamma Hypnobirthing course together
- Be involved in writing her birth preferences. Research options together.
- Explore the possibility of giving birth at home.
- Help pack the hospital bag (should you need one) and pack one for yourself too!
- Ask your pregnant partner how they are feeling regularly and if they need anything from you.
- Be present and involved.
- Watch a positive birth together (Filtered by a friend – I have a few incredible birth videos I share with clients to help prepare for a positive experience)
- Read birth related books to help prepare. Men, Love & Birth by Mark Harris is a highly recommended read.
Remember, you are a TEAM!
Note: In this blog post, I sometimes reference the ‘birth partner’ Whether the birth partner is the spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, sister, friend, cousin, daughter, son, or doula, if they are going to be present at the birth they are a ‘birth partner’.
You may be thinking: What can I actually do that’s going to help during the birth?
Well quite a lot, in fact more than you could imagine. I like to call the birth partner the ‘keeper of the cave’. This is because, in prehistoric times, the person giving birth would have been in the cave doing their thing, labouring privately, and the birth partner would be outside the cave, spear in hand, protecting them from any predators. Chances are your birth probably isn’t going to take place in a cave, and there are no predators roaming around, but the idea is still the same. It is the birth keepers job to protect the person giving birth. And protecting the birth space is literally a full time job. Whether birthing at home or in hospital, keeping the space private, quiet and comfortable is hard work!
Try to be honest with each other
It is a privilege to be someone’s birth partner, but not everyone will be comfortable with the idea. It’s essential to be honest and upfront with the person giving birth, so they can organise alternatives or work through any worries or concerns with you. As a doula, this is something we always discuss in my hypnobirthing sessions, when working together as a team in prep for labour day.
This might go as far as not wanting to do it at all, but it could also be in terms of your willingness to carry out certain aspects of the role. If a birth partner doesn’t feel competent with an element that is important to the birther, then all is not lost. Some people may choose to have a couple of birth partners who are confident in different aspects of support. For example, one person may help with practical tasks and another may offer emotional guidance. This is where my role as a doula is key in supporting a couple to experience birth in the best way possible.
Find out what the birther needs
Birth partners should focus on how the person giving birth wants to feel in labour and how to support them in a way that feels right for each stage of labour as it unfolds. This can mean doing an antenatal course together, working through their birth preferences, exploring where they want to give birth and if they are OK with certain obstetric interventions or none at all. Your birth partner should understand what happens in a straightforward labour but still have some idea of the interventions that may be suggested, if things take a different path.
It’s important for the birth partner to understand the reasoning behind the birther’s preferences and the possibility of her refusing any sort of interventions during labour. A birth partner can help with this by making sure that they are involved in as much preparation for the birth as possible. Knowing options, researching alternatives and understanding your rights in birth is key to helping prepare for a positive experience where the birther feels in control of decision making.
During the birth, partners may also want to keep notes of key events, including contraction times and other changes as labour intensifies. They can also help to manage the environment by keeping the space private, calm and quiet at all times. Think puppies and kittens… where would their mumma want to release her babies in the wild? Somewhere private and undisturbed would always be a mammals choice. Don’t disturb her in labour, lots of questions and conversation brings her out of her mammalian brain, stimulate her neocortex and stop her from behaving instinctively- an absolute requirement for labour and birth to unfold in a natural way.
Stay calm
Staying calm is crucial. Witnessing childbirth can be a very intense and for some a stressful experience, but the focus needs to be on the person in labour and their needs. Rather than pretending to be calm, it can be more helpful for birth partners to process any fears and anxieties beforehand. This will mean they feel more confident in their role. Because how a birth partner feels will impact the birther. We have all been in a room with someone stressing out and maybe felt ourselves become anxious too. If you are upbeat and confident in a woman’s ability to give birth, this will help encourage and support her to relax into her experience.
Words are powerful. You can help your partner stay motivated during labour by offering words of encouragement. Tell her how much you love her, how well she is doing. Also respect her wishes if she asks you to be quiet. Encourage her to use any relaxation and breathing techniques you have learnt, perhaps by doing them with her. Studies have shown that the active involvement of a supportive partner can lead to shorter labours, less or no medical interventions, and a more satisfying overall birth experience.
Physical support
A birth partner can help you with breathing and relaxation techniques and massage. This can be helpful to cope with labour contractions and they also release endorphins (natures pain relieving hormones). They could put the tens machine pads on you (make sure you test it out ahead of time and know how to use it), or help you get into comfortable positions. If warmth relaxes you, offer to heat up a wheat bag, or help you to use the birth pool, bath or shower. If you are having a pool birth at home, do a practise run and fill the pool (minus the liner) before 37 weeks to make sure all of the connectors fit the taps and to see how long the filling and emptying take before the big day arrives. Keeping the water at body temperature is very time consuming but vital for when baby arrives, if they’re born into the water it must be the correct temp (this is where a 2nd birth partner (or doula) becomes more important!).
Or you may feel hot and like to have a cool flannel on your forehead or neck. They could also make sure that you stay hydrated by offering regular sips of a refreshing drink, and remind you to go to the toilet regularly. A full bladder can prevent baby moving down and may hinder labour progressing.
Being a birth partner isn’t for the faint-hearted. Some labours can last for many hours, between 12-24 hours if it’s your first baby. Providing emotional and physical support throughout can be exhausting, so breaks are important. Think about how long you can physically keep going with particular massage techniques. You may need to adjust your position, so you can both be comfortable, without straining your back or other muscles. Use the rests between contractions to stretch aching muscles and change positions. Ive been a massage therapist for over 35 years so I know very well about self care and protecting my own back! And as a doula, I’ve noticed how enjoyable deep tissue massage techniques can be in offering a woman that extra comfort to cope with labour as it intensifies.
Things to do as a birth partner during early (latent) labour
Unlike in a TV drama where labour starts dramatically and progresses rapidly, women are likely to spend hours or sometimes days in early labour whilst the uterine surges are organising themselves and becoming more regular and coordinated, and research has shown that the best place to be during this stage of labour is at home in privacy, without feeling observed. I always recommend to my doula clients to ring me when labour begins to get some reassurance, and to discuss ways to manage the latent stage such as getting outside for a walk, soaking in the bath, when to apply the TENS machine to her back, offering a massage, playing relaxation MP3’s, reading affirmations, preparing a delicious snack and offering frequent drinks, watching a favourite film and alternately spending time on a birth ball, then more importantly getting some sleep as this phase can be long and exhausting.
Your doula or other care provider will help you to decide when to go to the hospital or when she needs to make her way over to your home if you are having a home birth. One big piece of advice is not to broadcast to friends and family that you think labour might have started as the relentless messages that follow can become frustrating when you have no more news to share at that point.
What to do during advanced labour
Sometimes referred to as the “Foot on the gas” phase of labour when the contraction surges become more frequent, longer and stronger and require her full & complete concentration. Contractions are much more intense, last about 40 to 60 seconds, and are spaced three to five minutes apart. You will need to be intuitive and try and understand what she needs and when. Especially if she is in too much discomfort to express it well herself. Be aware that her needs might change as her labour progresses. At times during labour, she might appreciate your emotional and physical support. Yet there might be other times when she would like to be left alone to help her to focus inwards. If you are upbeat and confident in your partner’s ability to give birth, this will really help encourage and support her.
Remember, it’s not a good idea to chat during a contraction surge when she will be drawing on all of her strength to manage the sensations. Gentle touch, stroking or massage might be welcome, but again it might also be irritating, so just use your instinct and judgement and don’t take it personally if she is snappy. Observing her and reading her as each stage unfolds. Reminding her that each contraction wave brings her closer to meeting her baby.
Helping during Transition as a supportive birth partner
In labour, somewhere between the cervix stretching fully open & the urge to push kicking in, there is a huge (and completely normal) surge in adrenalin as the muscles that have been stretching the cervix widely open now start to squeeze the baby down. This phase can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. It’s here that things are likely to start getting a little, or a lot, more intense. There is a noticeable change in her behaviour, and she may hit panic mode. Phrases such as “I can’t do any more”, “I need drugs!”, are commonly heard and she may also become more vocal and restless and start making primal, guttural noises (a lot like a cow mooing !). As a birth partner, if you’re not anticipating this short phase that happens just before she starts to push, it can feel quite scary! So, knowing what it is makes it much easier to remain calm and be the steady reassurance she needs during this potentially wobbly stage of labour. Encourage her to relax and ‘let go’ in between the very frequent contraction surges will help , encourage her to loosen her jaw, her shoulders, close her eyes have a sip of water and get ready to meet her baby. Tell her that you love her, you are proud of her, that she is strong and oh so powerful !! She might not be able to see what is happening as the baby is being born. So help to motivate her by telling her what is happening and when you can see the baby’s head. If she births in the pool, encourage her to move her position so she can lift baby to the surface or do this yourself if she needs you to.
What you can do during the Birth of the Placenta -The 3rd stage of labour
It’s not over yet! This stage begins immediately after baby is born and ends with the birth of the placenta 10-60 mins later typically. Your partner may get a case of the postpartum chills or feel very shaky during this stage. If that’s the case, make sure she’s comfortable, or help her get out of the pool, be ready to offer a warm blanket and to hold your newborn while your partner regains her strength.
So to sum up all of this sage advice …… Hold back! Honestly, the hardest part of being a birth partner is doing nothing. But often that’s exactly what is needed. At home feel free to potter, make a snack, take a rest, be ‘around’ and present, but avoiding staring at her, putting any pressure on, noticeably timing contractions or fussing too much! Just your quiet, calm, confident presence may be all that is needed. You’re her gatekeeper in labour and just quietly supporting her reinforces her ability to relax and turn inward where she can journey to meet your baby in a calm and confident way.
Remember, you’re an expert when it comes to your partner. No one will understand your partner the way you do, tune into your partner’s needs, concerns and strengths in a way that nobody else can! With you she can be uninhibited, feel safe and fully relax – you are the perfect support for her in labour.
……..And a doula is just the icing on a very beautiful cake!
After all, there is NO i in team. Haha…!!
Love Dani xxx
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